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Dealing With the "C" Word
Issues Around Commitment in Gay Relationships
Years ago, my boyfriend and I happened to catch an
episode of the old TV show Party of Five. It wasn't a show we ever
watched together, and I'm not sure why we did this time, but we saw a
re-run of the episode "The Wedding."
In the episode, it's the wedding day for Charlie and
Kristen (played by Matthew Fox and Paula Devicq). Charlie is getting cold feet;
he asks Kristen to wait another six months. Kristen doesn't understand
and gives him an ultimatum: it's now or never. Charlie leaves the house,
but then reappears just as she's about to tell the wedding guests that
the ceremony has been called off. He tells her that he wants to get
married so he won't lose her forever. But as he's waiting at the altar,
she never shows up. He finally finds her already changed out of her
wedding gown. She tells him that they shouldn't get married out of fear,
and she returns the wedding ring.
Although we were watching the same episode, my
boyfriend and I had completely different takes on the situation. He kept
saying, "She's not listening to him" when Kristen kept pressing on with
the wedding plans while Charlie was panicking. I kept saying, "It's too
late to back out, it's already their wedding day." The episode proved to
be fairly enlightening about our own communication issues in our
relationship.
In a way, we were both right. Marriage and other
forms of commitment are big steps for couples to take, and both need to
be in sync with when to take that step for the relationship to work. But
the right time to discuss it is well before the announcements go out,
not on the day of the wedding or commitment ceremony.
It's a stereotype that guys are afraid of commitment. Some guys are very
ready to settle down. But like all stereotypes, there's a grain of truth
to it that gives it life: some guys are deadly afraid of commitment,
though what it means for them may vary. For some guys, it manifests
early with a fear over that four letter L word: L-O-V-E. Some guys worry
about expressing their feelings with that word too soon, over-analyzing
whether or not their feelings are actually love or just affection. (This
is not to say that guys should be ready to say they're in love on the
first date, but some guys do take it to the opposite extreme.) For other
guys, the fear may come at other milestones in the relationship:
deciding to be monogamous, meeting the family for the first time, moving
in together, deciding to be domestic partners, or having a commitment
ceremony in front of family and friends.
"...fears can be worked out and addressed, but
only by the two of you working together."
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A guy who has no problem with some of these stages
could still panic with others. The catch will be over what he feels that
stage means for himself, and for them as a couple. Some guys may
consider moving in together or even registering at City Hall as domestic
partners simply a logical, convenient way to share expenses, but it
doesn't mean you're married unless there's an actual ceremony.
It's not the actual stage of the relationship so much as the fears of
what that stage represents that scares some guys. And if couples have
different expectations for what that stage represents, they won't be
able to discuss and address their concerns in a way that will allow them
to move forward. This article won't be able to
address the underlying concerns for the extreme cases - the guys
completely phobic about commitment, nor for the guys who bring the
U-Haul on the second date. The issues may be too deep to address without
the help of a trained therapist. But for most guys in between, simply
being clear about what your fears are is key. If
you're afraid of that next stage, take a step back from the stage itself
and ask yourself what that stage represents for you. What are your
assumptions about what you will be giving up? Relationships are about
give and take, and compromises may need to be made, but that doesn't
mean that your fears around the trade-offs are the same as your
partner's. Are you afraid about moving in together because you need your
own space and time by yourself? You can build time for yourself, but you
need to communicate these fears with your partner to be able to do that.
Are you unsure if you're ready to settle down with just one guy?
Settling down doesn't necessarily assume monogamy in the gay community,
and that's a separate issue that you and your partner will need to
discuss (which will be covered in greater depth in another article).
And if you're the one ready to take the relationship
to the next level, don't assume your partner is equally ready, even if
he seems to be saying the right things. Look for subtle signs of
hesitation and talk to your partner about them early. If those concerns
are left unaddressed, they could spew out at an inopportune or
unfortunately late time.
Above all, communicate about what your
understandings and assumptions are about what that stage means for your
relationship, and do so early and as often as necessary. Labels have a way of being interpreted slightly
differently, and if each partner has a different expectation about
what's going on, it could mean problems for the relationship moving
forward. Talk about your expectations and your fears - fears can be
worked out and addressed, but only by the two of you working together. |
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