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Sex on the First Date?Will Having Sex Too Soon Ruin Chances for Long-term Romance?In The Rules and numerous other guidebooks for relationships, a common theme is that if you "put out" too quickly, you might continue to get together to have sex, but you'll never wind up dating, much less in a committed relationship. After all, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? And once he's gotten off, he'll move on to new pastures - so if you tease him and keep him wanting more, you'll keep him coming back. Or so goes the typical advice. But among gay men, where sexuality is more open and sometimes treated more casually, a reverse fear can occur: will he even bother to see me again if I don't put out? It's the same fear that girls and young women in high school and college face when they experience their first few dates. Will I lose him if I don't "show" him I love him? Unfortunately, there's no clear-cut answer here. Having sex early, even on the first date, doesn't guarantee that there won't be a second date. There are countless examples of guys who have fallen into long-term relationships after a tryst on their first date, or hooked up online strictly to have sex only to discover that they had even more in common. And even circumstances, albeit rarer, where a casual hookup in a sex club has led to a long-term relationship. But there are some cultural expectations around jumping into bed quickly. Some guys may very well take it as a signal that you aren't serious about pursuing something deeper. Part of this is circumstantial, of course. Hooking up for a sex connection after spotting each other in a bar or chatting in an Internet chat room suggests that you are strictly interested in sex. Any suggestion for another hookup, or for a more romantic date, isn't necessarily off limits, but it isn't expected and needs to be negotiated separately. But if you do so, remember that you're starting from scratch here. His expectations for the first encounter were entirely casual; anything more is a whole new ballgame. On the flip side, if you did go out on a real date, and had a few too many cocktails, and suddenly found yourselves in bed together, enjoy the moment and don't freak out. It doesn't guarantee that he'll never want to see you again. But it also doesn't mean that he instantly assumes you're both boyfriends. One columnist elsewhere suggested discussing your feelings with your new bedmate before consummating the deed. But honestly, are you really going to pause in the middle of foreplay to discuss your long-term relationship goals? Discussing condom use is very, very different (and entirely appropriate) than discussing whether you're ready to settle down and do you both want kids or not. Some guys have taken the approach of creating rules for themselves. Like no sex on the first date, no sex in the first two weeks of dating, and even (in one tragic case I know), no sex for the first six months. There are two things to remember with these rules. First, the more extreme they are, the harder it will be to find someone who shares your values. Persuading a guy to wait a few dates or a few weeks is very different than asking him to wait six months before taking the relationship to a physically intimate level. And if the rule is so extreme, you need to ask yourself if your objective is to make sure you're in love first, or is it really to avoid intimacy altogether? Second, treat these less like rules and more like guidelines. Step back and ask yourself why you're creating these rules in the first place. If it's because you're tired of how you feel the next morning after a casual hookup, or your sex has become too routine and you want to develop an emotional connection first, that's fine. But remember that your goal here is how you feel, not the arbitrary date you've set. One former boyfriend and I had agreed on our first date that we wanted to wait two weeks before having sex. We called it the "two week rule." But ten days later, after going out on dates almost every night, we went to a party together and then ended up back at his place, and.... Though we aren't dating anymore, we were together for years. The point here is that the spirit of the rule had been met, even if we fell four days short of the arbitrary deadline. Although it may be awkward to communicate about relationship objectives during foreplay, it's okay to broach the subject afterwards. But be casual about it! If you come off too strong too quickly, your bedmate might assume that you already consider yourselves to be boyfriends and you're already mentally choosing the china patterns. A comment like, "I had a nice time - would you like to get together again sometime?" works. Avoid rushing ahead with a comment like, "I can't wait for you to meet my mother." Wait for the second date for that. (Kidding!) Be casual enough in your question to give him a graceful opportunity to decline if he just wanted a fling - you don't want him to feel such pressure that he feels compelled to lie and then run for the hills. You'll feel worse in the long run if that happens. And if you're goal is to actually date the guy rather than continue to roll around in the hay, suggest a doing an activity together - lunch, movie, bike riding, or anything else out of the house - that doesn't necessarily promise s-e-x. Having sex on your second date is fine, but suggesting some other sort of activity indicates that you're interested in seeing him for other things as well. And if you've assumed it was a casual fling, and your bedmate is now suggesting continuing to see each other, be kind and honest in your communication. Note: kind and honest. If you just wanted a fling and aren't interested in anything else, you don't need to be mean about saying no, but you don't want to lead him on, either. You can say, "I had a nice time" without promising commitment. You can be casual and low-key in your response, like "Yeah, maybe sometime" when asked if you want to get together again. Avoid the temptation to make overly-enthusiastic promises about seeing each other again unless you plan to follow through with it. Feigning enthusiasm may feel like an easy way out of an award situation, but it will just make things even more awkward later.
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